For a while I lay in a pool of fluids on the floor. I'm not quite sure when this was, because it's lost in haze, maybe near the end of 2013, but I gradually became aware that I was conscious. I had memories of being just a fantasy girl... an online character that existed in cyber space, and in dreams, but this was different. This was no game.
Eventually I summoned the strength to raise my self to the sink. I just kept drinking straight from the tap, like I had never felt so thirsty in my life before.
My suicide had failed, the person I had been, was now just disconnected memories, as if they belonged to someone else. In deed, that man had never really existed. He had just been an act. The act that this lost girl had performed day after day, all day, every day. For decades she had sought to appease expectations, from an ungrateful hypocritical society.
She herself, had only ever been permitted participate in virtual reality, and even just for that, had endured real-life demonization and persecution.
Perduta is an Italian word that means the lost girl. It also has connotations that signify ruined and lost cause. It is the name I had chosen in an online role playing game. It is the new family name I now chose to be known by when referred to in 3rd person: Ms. Perduta.
The title Ms. is non committal: I am not disclosing if I am married, or single, or in my case if I would even have the right kind of genitals for copulating with. It's nobody's business, but my business, and copulation was only ever something I had done to please others. None of them had been worth it. I'm not impotent, but I am asexual and I won't be performing that again.
All my life I experienced two voices speaking in my conscience. One was the angel of light, I called her Angelica. She stands for uncompromising truth and integrity. She stands up for doing right to others, but that had not always worked out in my best interest.
Her counter ballance was Demonica. Demonica would always be testing, pushing the envelope, wanting to do the unexpected, taunting, defying and challenging the norms.
The word Angel is derived from the Greek word αγγελος (aggelos) meaning "messenger". The suffix -ica means
essence of. Angelica is the essence of the angels. She is the messenger from the spirit of the cosmos, mother Nature, creatrix of all that is. The Goddess whose laws remain ubiquitous, inviolate, and eternal for all that is reality.
Angelica is the person I want you to know me as. I dedicate my existence to truth and integrity without compromise.
Frillyis the name that I choose to call myself. I realize that to some it has connotations of fetish attire, but that's not my motive. Life is a fringe phenomenon existing only on the precarious boundary between dark and light. Frilly is the result from the interplay between Demonica and Angelica.
Every day when I get up, I look in the mirror and both of them ask me:
What shall we wear today, Frilly?
It is a name that represent my frivolous and newly discovered happy-go-lucky free spirit.
Demonica was having a bit of a giggle when she told me that made my initials to be F.A.P. (which is slang for masturbation).
Demonica likes it, because it's in-your-face defiance for haters and any who has a problem with that. Angelica likes it because, it's sweet and girly like we always wanted to be.
I did not hesitate to fill in the forms, and pay the fee for a name change by deed poll. I was alive again, for however long that might last. It was unexpected and not going to be a continuation of what transpired before. This time I would be getting that sex change.